US MILITARY TO ABANDON WATERBOARDING

Department of Defense spokesman Buck Turgidson announced this morning that the popular “enhanced interrogation” method of waterboarding® will be abandoned in favor of forcing detainees to carry midgets for prolonged periods (above). “We're sorry to lose waterboarding from our toolbox,” Turgidson said, “it was cheap, effective, and didn't require any fancy training to apply. We were really proud of the term, too. It tested well with focus groups. It's happy and light; it sounds like something the Beach Boys would sing about. Sadly, though, it's become misunderstood to the point of being counter-productive. We've worked hard to find an equally persuasive method, and I think this one may work even better for us.” Responding to suggestions that testimony from tortured individuals might be unreliable, Turgidson said, “We're not worried about learning the truth, we know that already. It's confirmation that's the key. Without enhanced interrogation we could never have seen the spectacular war crimes conviction earlier this week of Salim Hamden. It was on the questioning rack that we confirmed his participation in elite Al-Qaeda training camps, studying advanced methods of double-clutching and parallel parking.”

Turgidson feels confident that midget-carrying will become an important part of America's War on Terror®. “We're testing new jargon already. Among the favorite proposals are 'Lilliput Loading®' and 'The Dwarf Derby®'.”

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photograph by David Guttenfelder, AP swiped from the LA Times